I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
