Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
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