Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
