So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
