I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
