sarcasm needs its own font
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Randomize
