Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
