I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
