no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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