Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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