4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
