i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Lo siento on account of my penis...
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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