I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
