So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Randomize
