Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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