i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
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The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
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I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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