so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
