I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
