I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.