yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
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Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
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I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...