Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist