my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
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It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
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Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
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