this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
