You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
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