just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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