At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
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The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
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He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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