you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
My vagina just clenched in fear
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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