even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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