Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
