Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
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I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
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You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I just gargled with NyQuil
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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