WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
