You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
