Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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