Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
