So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
