watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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