So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
