im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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