just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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