I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
