walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
