Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
