I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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