Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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