she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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