im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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