I'm jealous of your bromance
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
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