Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
