If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
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