I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
