Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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