Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
