We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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