i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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