i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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