I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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