is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I just googled if crying burns calories
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
