swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I fill condoms, not promises.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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