I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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