I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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