I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
she smelled like a LAN party
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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