Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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